Dung

I am truly irresponsible. I wasn't able to comply with what the higher people at the office asked me to do. I'm in a total slump.

It amazes me how it doesn't seem this way on the outside. I've indeed mastered the different masks of emotion.

It puts a smile on my face to know that even people online seem to care about little things in life. Thank you.

To Ate Gladys, having a virtual ate would be fun.

Tina and Lin, thanks, highly appreciated. :)

Iskoo, nakisama lang yung weather, it so happened na it's raining here. :P

Hayy, my brother's stupid girlfriend made things between me and my brother yet again complicated. How in the world would I have known that she was still gonna say anything else after saying "ah ok"? I just don't know what that witch told my brother that he seemed so upset. It really doesn't matter if my brother's mad at me for something I did WRONG. Pero, to think, girlfriend nya lang yun. That gold digger bitch has no right to make ek-ek reklamo about me. Heck, if my "family" can't change me, sino siya para umepal. This is the second time she did something so wretched. Although, my brother and her deserve each other, they're both stupid.

*end*

Emptiness

For the past few days, I've been feeling totally out of it. Disappointed with my mom, as well as with my brother. My mind's too preoccupied with a lot of things mostly about school and shit. Then this happens. Depression has hit me again. I silently kept every blow to myself. I never talked about it, to anyone. I like to be left alone. And even if I do know a lot of people, I just can't seem to open up to them. They wouldn't understand.

Because I know too well what they would say. I'm the listener and the comforter, yet in times of this shitty feeling, slowly eating me up, nobody is there to comfort and listen to me.

The wall I thought was gone was still standing all along. There were just holes, to which why I became acquainted with so many people. This wall has reaped thoughts of withdrawal in crowds, rejection, loneliness. It had made me think that even if there were people out there who could actually listen to me, it doesn't mean they can actually help me. They can't make my brother change, they can't tell my mom that what she's always saying gradually hurts me.

With this pain, I struggle at night. Little by little, the pain seeps through my veins. Killing me ever so softly.

No matter how I look at it, I am a lone wolf. And I'll always be alone.

The wounds on my hand doesn't come close to the pain in my heart. How I wish I could've just torn that wall apart.

Rats

Let me tell you a story, of a girl I've know my entire life.

There was this girl who lived her life, as a kid, filled with joy and such naivity. Ever since she attended school, she knew already who she was and what she was meant to become. She was rowdy, played with the boys who constantly teased her of her appearance and how she acted. She chased and had beaten the crap out of them.
Growing up, she amused the young and the old alike with her talent in dancing and other funny antics. She was a kid. And being as cute as she was, it wasn't that hard to get away with her mischievious habits. She had tons of friends. Scared of the unknown. Hated dressing up like a girl. Spoiled by her father.

As an adolescent, she was caught in the middle of wanting to be by herself, to contemplate and to be with her friends. She had issues which she kept to herself. Never had she shown weakness. Still, she wanted to do something that would actually make her friends pansin what she was doing. She wanted sympathy but didn't want it to look like she intended to. Though to her friends, she seemed so lively yet so moody. Never had she shared anything, she didn't want to be attached to anyone.
(Traumatized by what happened to her as a kid. Because of her being so controlling, she had the person she considered as her best friend.)
So she handled things on her own, emotional or not, she found ways without ever talking about it to anyone.

While practicing for graduation, the school chaplain had said something eye-opening. He had said, "this girl here is someone who definitely can do anything." She was in fact multi-talented. She was far more mature in thinking than those in her batch. She could dance,very poetic, artistic, athletic, intellectual and competitive. Both introvert and extrovert. Truly, she believed she can in fact do anything she sets her mind to.

I find her deeply troubled, even though she doesn't show it. I want to help her out but I can sense that she doesn't want anyone to. She believes she knows what she has to do. She believes she knows every solution to any problem.

This will be continued.

(For questions about her, ask away)

Beta

I was trying out this Blogger Beta feature, and knowing the turtle-paced connection I kinda panicked since I found it so damn hard to put things back to where it was.
So, this blog here transformed for just a few minutes. Hehe.
Though if I get the chance to go online, I'll make sure I'll be able to fix everything, and yes I'll soon be switching to Beta. :)

I've already lost interest in that koreanovela I've been talking about. Since di na rin naman sinusubaybayan ng crush ko yun.

Been waking up early, more than the usual since I've gotten myself involved in this working bit. But all I do there is actually sit in front of a computer (without anyone supervising) and basically just slack off. Pretty neat eh? Wala namang bayad so I know why they're not that tight with everything. Though they do give me free food for lunch and merienda.
I found myself eating fish with them every lunch, since I became too conscious about what I eat. Rice will do me no good in the long run. So I opted for fish :P.

Recently, I was supposed to present something. Something we were asked to make and talk about it with them. ALthough, before I could even open my mouth, the paniki who was one of the "judges" blocked me off. And patuloy syang nagsalita, checking on my presentation and had changed my whole concept. When in fact, I had another thing in mind. How I wish that paniki would rot in hell. I'm happy na patuloy siyang sinusundan ng kharma. Amen.

Ako yung tipong grabe mag-isip, whatever the situation or topic is about. I tend to look more on the negative side, a pessimist. I calculate every move or reaction that would come out if I make this or that. I relate everything to chess. Thinking before acting. And often, I find myself just staring at a person or in space. Nakatanga. That's what people would refer to what I'm doing, when in fact I'm actually contemplating on what is happening. I think of evil things to happen, those fantasy-like scenarios, the school crashing down and a robot would come out of nowhere. Just like from Dual (an AXN featured Anime series). I talk to a lot of people in my mind. I don't have a multiply personality, or wait.. maybe I do. Anyway, I find myself in a conversation with myself. And I end up being shouted at or shouting at someone from the back of my mind. Sigh. It's great I got to let this out.
Writing is indeed therapeutic. For those who are like me, who tend to keep things to themselves rather than just talk about it. I am in fact, at one with my duality in reality.

Good Day! :)

Conformity

Conformity, is the degree to which members of a group will change their behavior, views and attitudes to fit the views of the group. The group can influence members via unconscious processes or via overt social pressure on individuals.

With this, you now know what reason other people have on to why they have chosen the kind of lifestyle they have now.
They follow the trend, they look up on those totally iconic and soon act the way their idols act. Mimicking.

Random

I'm not really that big of a fan for Princess Hours, but I found it hard to disagree to what my friend said last night. She ranting about how cruel ABS-CBN was.So, as tsismoso that I was, I asked her kung ano ba yung pinoproblema niya. It turned out that she too, was waiting for that koreanovela and that she was forced to watch every damned soap opera on ABS-CBN just so matimingan nya yung Princess Hours na segment. It was funny how she talked about it.

How ABS-CBN lacked Time Management.And to this, I totally agreed. They really do have some issues with how they manage each segments' limit. Uncanny, but still nakakapagpabagabag. On how, they make you watch all the local shows and for that foreign novela? A measly 25 minutes of airtime, whereas in the original episode it was supposed to be 45 minutes.So I just told her that she might as well just watch it on YouTube or better yet buy a copy of it's dvd. Para bawas the hassle of exerting effort to wait for that stupid show on ABS-CBN.How I wish there would be another stampede para mawala muna yung shows sa TV. Herd stampede that is. Hehe.

I was browsing through some other blogs and read A LOT about them not having any list for the said New Year's Resolution.

It's quite funny and very yummy to mock on how they want to seem as people who don't want to be stuck on following something. When in fact, they're more likely to be stuck on waiting for the old them to leave. They need a lightbulb above their head before they can experience change.

Change.

Only if you're eager enough to do it. It's for the better.

Holy smokes!

So it's a brand new year. It doesn't mean I'll instantly change from being a sarcastic jerk to someone who's like an angel. This year, I won't be promising anything but to be more lenient with everything around me. Away with procrastination and in with the drive to do things as fast as I can. It really is not a good idea to put off for tomorrow what you can actually do today.

I'm not really the type who watches telenovelas, or other novelas there are on the boob tube. I've constantly mocked and criticized every tv series the Filipino entertainment industry comes up with. The new actors are so lame. Why make a tv series where the actors involved can't even do their jobs right, ACT. Koreanovelas, tsinovelas, japanovelas?, or whatever else novelas are now seen in every Filipino channel. I hardly watch any of this. But recently, I got hooked on this koreanovela wherein there was this prince who was arranged to be married to a commoner girl and another two characters who spice up the love quadrangle. It wasn't because of the sudden interest, but because my crush was so crazy about this. So I ended up watching it too since she wouldn't stop raving about how good looking the characters were. Yeah, just as what my friend had said, Love can move mountains but in my case, Love can make someone watch a koreanovela even if it's ultra super duper corny.

It's not too late yet to greet everyone right? so a very Happy Boinky New Year to all!
Hell school's started!
Everyone back on their asses!